L.P.D.

You are in your cruiser, waiting for a call. What do you want to do while you wait?
Read The Fountainhead Watch Penn and Teller: Bullshit on your portable DVD player

You open the book to the beautiful love scene between Howard and Dominique. Just remembering its verbosity makes you cry. You imagine Bari Weiss as Dominque and Bill Maher as Howard. Just then, a call comes on the radio.
Answer Ignore

It is well within your rights to ignore the call of duty. Even as a member of the L.P.D. you cannot always be expected to interfere in the lives of citizens.
Play Again

The portable DVD player is not working since you keep all your batteries stockpiled in your house. They are extremely valuble as they allow you to stay off the grid, so you can't waste them on something as frivolous as mobile entertainment. You are comforted by the fact you have the Wal-Mart episode memorized. Read The Fountainhead instead?

You insert a quarter into the radio to activate it. Chief: “Bad news, detective. We've got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?” “Is Rawls talking nonsense again?”

Chief: “Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.” My copy of The Fountainhead fall to the floor. I never let that happen. What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government.
"Do we have any leads?” "It was Bernie, wasn't it? That son of a bitch.”

Chief: “No leads yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down ... provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Hey now Chief, any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

Chief: “That’s why you’re the best I got. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don't worry, I'm on it.”

Chief hangs up. You can't believe what you've heard. Someone has to bring this thief to justice.
Get to the scene Recover your copy of The Fountainhead

You put a quarter in the siren, and step on it.
Take the highway Take the backroads

You invesigate your copy to make sure you didn't damage it. Luckily, it's fine. But you won't forget the emotional turmoil this villain has put you through.
Get to the scene

You really step on it. There's no such thing as speed limits, and since government-issued drivers' licenses have been nullified, most cars have sped off the roads. You arrive on the scene in three minutes.
Get out of your car

Calamity. For some reason, cars are piled up at nearly every intersection. These morons shouldn't have gotten cars if they didn't know how to drive them. It serves them right, but it's slowing you down.
Transfer to the highway Proceed anyway

You arrive on the scene after nearly an hour of weaving around pile-ups. You're frustrated by being slowed down, but you appreciate that all those people had the chance to wreck in the first place. Before government-issued drivers' licenses were revoked, you were all worried about the slippery slope too much to focus anyhow. What was next, needing a license to make toast in your own damn toaster?
Get out of the car

It's a normal office building, just like any other. Unfortunately, that means it's strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. Damn.
Jump over them Stake out the place

You get a running start and soar over the pestilent walkways. The momentum carries you through the front door of the building.
Play it loud Play it quiet

It seems like the lobby is just filled with normal people. No one stands out. It might be best to get a closer look. Damn the public-sidewalk lobby.
Jump over the sidewalks

“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” you yell. You flash your badge, your gun, and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They don’t.
Begin negotations

You play it cool and don't blow your cover. You wait patiently for the criminal to reveal himself to your keen eye.
Smoke a cigarette Talk to the receptionist

“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” you yell. No one speaks up. “Come on. Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?” It does’t seem like they do.
Persist Give up

You light several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughs, and you tell her that secondhand smoke is a myth. While you're distracted, a man in glasses makes a break for it.
Give chase

"Excuse me, Miss," you say. "What kind of building am I in exactly?" "A bank," she replies. Good Christ. You're in the lion's den.
Smoke a cigarette to calm your nerves Ask for a distraction

"Do you happen to have any reading material? Perhaps a copy of Animal Farm, a book that means exactly what I think it does?" "We just got in the newest edition of Reason Magazine," she replies, and hands me a copy. "Perfect," you reply, and flip to an interview with Drew Carey, the best celebrity advocate for anything. But while you're distracted, a man in glasses makes a break for it.
Give chase

“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Shark Tank merchandise.” Nothing. These people are stonewalling you. It almost seems like they don't care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs is missing. You figure you can wait them out.
Smoke a cigarette Talk to the receptionist

“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” you yell. Too late. He's already out the front door.
Go after him Give up

“Stop right there!” you yell as you run. He's faster than you because you avoid stepping on the public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
Bargain Take the sidewalk Give up

You're losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” you yell. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!” He turns. In his hand is a revolver that the Constitution says he has every right to own.
Draw your gun Try to cut him off Give up

As you pull out your gun, he fires his, and misses. You put a quarter in yours and fire back. The bullet lodges in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head.
Shoot the mailbox again on purpose Shoot him Give up

The bullet hits the meddling mailbox and rings out. You smile at the collateral damaging of a symbol of government interference in the lives of private citizens. The crook freezes. “All right, all right!” he yells, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
Arrest him Shoot him

Not only did this man disrespect the freest or markets, but he made me disrespect my most cherished piece of property. My Fountainhead. You shoot the crook in his lower back, and he falls to the floor. "Now I think any member of the CATO Institute that would conduct a private investigation here would agree that that was not a violation of the non-aggression principle. You fired first." The man cries out in pain, but he'll be fine.
Arrest him

“Why’d you do it?” you ask, as you slap a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the crook. “Because I was afraid.” “Afraid?” “Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I'm a central banker.” Your stomach turns. Years ago, a central banker killed you partner.
Continue with the arrest Coldcock him

You calm your nerves and shake your head. “Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” you say. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.” He nods, because he knows you are right. Then he swipes his credit card to pay you for arresting him.
End

The man's glasses shatter. “Let that be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” you say. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.” He nods, bleeding, because he knows you are right. Then he swipes his credit card to pay you for arresting him.
End

Thank you for your brave adherence to free market principles. You live to serve another day, so long as you are fairly compensated.

Play Again

This game is based off of a 2014 New Yorker piece by Tom O'Donnell. Additional writing and design by Jackson Pacheco.

You jump on the sidwalk and run down an alley to cut off the criminal. Every step on the piblicly-owned pavement feels like betrayal. Your gut, who you have nicknamed Milton, is telling you to turn back.
Persist Respect Milton Give up

You continue on the pavement, and run down an alley that you know will intersect the crook's path. He comes around the corner.
Draw your weapon Give up

“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” you yell, gun pointed. The villain aims his gun back at you. It's a stand off.
Fire Interrogate Give up

You pull the trigger, but nothing happens. Damn. You forgot to insert a quarter into the gun. It's useless if you can't pay its service fee. You drop it in fear as the crook walks closer, his gun still pointed.
Charge him Give up

"Why'd you do it?", you yell down the alleyway. “Because I was afraid.” “Afraid?” “Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.” Your finger tightens on the trigger. "Bastard."
Fire Let him respond

"Says you!", the villain replies. "Ayn Rand lived off Medicare and social security in her dying days, you know! You live a lie!"" You feel weak in the knees. You don't know how to respond to such an audacious claim.
Respond with shock Respond with anger

"That's not true!" you plead. "Oh yes it is," he responds. "You've been living a lie." You cry out in frustration.
Swear off Ayn Rand Charge him

You think you can charge him before he pays his service fee to his gun. You lunge at him, and are immediately shot dead. His gun did not require a user fee.
End

"If that's true then I will destory my copies of The Fountainhead!" you yell. It's as bad as you feared. He hands you a 2011 Issue of Reason Magazine, in which musical comedian / free market champion Tom Cavanaugh confirms the grim fact. You begin to cry as he smiles at you. He offers you a hand back up to your feet.
Take it Refuse it

You take his hand, and he pulls you back up to your feet. "How would you like to join me in my pernicious meddling? You wouldn't believe how much you can accomplish when you're free to use the sidewalks and the USPS."
Seal your fate

"I'm sorry, but if Ayn Rand couldn't make it in life without resorting to perverted market systems, neither can I," you explain. You grab his gun and turn it on yourself. It doesn't require a toll like yours does. You pull the trigger.
End

Your brave adherence to free market principles is acknowledged. You died for a better cause than most. There will be no ceremony for purely economical reasons.

Play Again

This game is based off of a 2014 New Yorker piece by Tom O'Donnell. Additional writing and design by Jackson Pacheco.

You are a detective with the L.P.D.: The Libertarian Police Department. Your goal is to earn your keep so that you can do your job.

Begin your shift.

This game is based off of a 2014 New Yorker piece by Tom O'Donnell. Additional writing and design is by Jackson Pacheco.